3 Ways Couples Therapy can be used as a “First Resort.”

With Valentine's Day approaching, you may find yourself reflecting on your own romantic relationship. Or if you're single, maybe you're thinking about what a romantic relationship could look like in your life. Either way, reflecting about what it is that you bring to your relationships, romantic or otherwise is a lot of what we do in therapy.

As a couples therapist, I have seen more and more couples at early stages of their relationship looking to work through their “stuff” before it becomes “bigger stuff.” In my experience with young professionals, many of them are children of divorced parents and don't want to repeat what they saw in their homes growing up. This kind of proactive approach is so refreshing, and speaks to the stigma slowly moving away from what being in couples therapy means.

If you're not sure if couples therapy is right for you and your partner, it might be helpful to know that you don't have to be in crisis in order to go. We work mostly with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) foundation at West Therapy Group, which means we are exploring the emotions underneath the conflicts and cycles that we get stuck in as couples. Think of that feeling, “here we go again” when a certain topic is brought up. Here are three of the biggest issues I see coming up in early relationship therapy, and what could possibly be at the root of them:

1. Money

Lots of couples fight about money. But if we take it back a little further, most people are extremely uncomfortable about the topic when addressing their finances themselves, let alone inviting somebody else into the conversation. If one person in the couple makes more money, do they owe more rent? Do we combine our finances or keep them separate? Should we split everything 50/50, sending Venmo requests every day or is there a less exhausting way to do this?

Money is a stand-in for emotions that are much less concrete. What does that mean? It means that if we feel really uncomfortable with the idea of combining our finances, is it possible that combining our lives is something one or both of you is feeling ambivalent about? If we're always coming back to the same fight about if things are split evenly and “fairly,” what else feels unfair in the relationship? Would allowing another person in to what goes on with your spending feel like you're losing control of your freedom, your independence? As you can see, these are much bigger conversations than who pays for the groceries.

2. Family

Meeting each other's families is a big deal at the beginning of a relationship, and we're usually on our “best behavior” in front of our partner's family. But once we've spent more and more time with them, we can feel a little bit more like we can be ourselves, which introduces a more honest look about how our partners act in their family of origin. This might look something like your partner picking his mother's side over yours in a simple debate about something seemingly insignificant. Depending on how different your families are from each other, this can make one partner feel like theirs is the right way and the other's is the wrong way.

Exploring attachment issues is something that EFT does really well when discussing issues with family, especially because our attachment issues usually start in our original family. So when this comes up in a relationship, it's often a repetition of very old issues that existed in the family long before the relationship started. Yes, our partners can regress back to a younger version of themselves when around their parents, but remember that parents are usually regressing as well. 

To talk about these things in couples therapy is a very delicate process. Sorting out what issues one person brings to their relationship versus the other and their unique dynamic can be very complicated. This is often why we highly recommend that both partners be in their own individual therapy, to better understand what their contributing to the relationship. If we can get to the point of empathizing with each other about why certain things trigger certain reactions, it's easier to get on the same page and make decisions as a couple about how to come together and deal with family issues as a team.

3. Cohabitating

When a couple first moves in together, lots of surprising things can come up. You're spending a lot more time together and you may notice things you never noticed before. Intimacy becomes something different as you see this person in a less performative version of themselves that they maybe were at the beginning. How chores get talked about and who's responsible for what is something I hear about a lot.

Usually some simple communication tweaks help to talk more directly about issues that cohabitation bring up. But similar to money, it can have deeper roots than who does the dishes. It can make us feel really unconsidered if our partner walks by a pile of clothes without picking it up. It can make us feel like we have to walk on eggshells if our partner is insistent that the apartment stay spotless 24/7. Talking about the underlying feelings is usually where we learn a little bit more about the impact of our partner’s actions once living together. The chores sort themselves out, but only once the feelings do.

To learn more about specific issues that get addressed in couples therapy and areas of expertise at West Therapy Group, click here. And for a free consultation to assess whether couples therapy is appropriate, and which member of our team would be a good fit for you, fill out a form here.