Ask A Therapist: Is Breaking Up Worth It?
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Less than a year ago, we decided to move in together and it's not going well. A lot of what I thought I knew about him was wrong, including his lack of cleanliness, how many hours a day he spends playing video games, and consideration for me in general as someone supposedly more important to him than a roommate. I don't see him changing and I want to break up soon. But we now share a cat and a lease that has 4 more months on it. I can't afford to pay it all by myself, and I’m considering delaying the breakup. Should I stick it out until the end of the lease? And if not, what do I do?
A: It can be really disappointing to find out you don't know as much about a person as you thought you did. Moving in together is a big step and in the excitement of taking that step in the relationship or searching for an apartment, we sometimes forget to think and speak critically together about what every day life will look like with this person. Being surprised by how someone lives in some way or another is inevitable, it's how you talk about it or not that determines the longevity of the relationship.
I'm curious about your conversations surrounding your boyfriend's lack of consideration for you. Have you let him know how you feel? Have you been specific about what you want it to look like? Has he given you feedback about what he was surprised to learn about you? How easy or difficult was that to hear?
Either way, breakups are difficult no matter what, especially when there are logistics to figure out. If you don't imagine it feeling too contentious between you after the breakup happens, is there another space in the apartment to sleep separately? Would you be willing to have a conversation about how to handle it if one of you wants to bring someone home in the next 4 months? If these questions make you very uncomfortable, then it might not be worth “sticking it out.” When we talk about “sticking something out,” we're talking about being able to tolerate the complicated emotions that might arise from (in this case) sharing space with someone who you've been with for 3 years. It may not be worth your discomfort if we translated that into a dollar amount. The question is what's your peace in your home worth to you?
