Ask a Therapist: How Can I Have Deeper Friendships as an Adult?

This month’s question and answer are below. This is not a replacement for therapy, but a way to get some suggestions from a therapist!

Q: I've never had many friends. Over the years, I've had several intense friendships that burn bright, then seem to fizzle out. We know everything about each other, I consider them to be my best friend, and then something seemingly small happens that creates a big blowout and we never speak again. I live in a neighborhood where I run into these people often, and it's awkward. I find myself wondering what happened, but at the same time justified in my decision to cut them out of my life.

I have a ton of acquaintances; I know a lot of people, their names, and even a little about their life, but they don't seem to want to be any closer than that. I actually feel popular in this way! But so far from what I think friendship should be.

I've heard to make a friend, you have to be a friend. It just seems like people don't want to be, or stay, close to me. What can you suggest?

A: Friendships are something that in my experience become more important as we get older and our circles inevitably tend to get smaller. And for some people that I treat, they might believe that having a lot of friends is an indicator of how loved or supported they will feel when they need it most. But the quality of those friendships is often determined by the mutuality you speak of in that quote.

It sounds like these short but intense friendships you've had can be quite painful when they end. When you put yourself out there, you really go all in! Perhaps vulnerability for you is viewed in more of a black/white on/off way, and thinking in these absolute ways can make it difficult to sustain close relationships. If I'm expecting one person to fill a void for me, one that I may or may not be aware of, and they do something to show that that's not their role, they become “bad.” You pass by them in the neighborhood like ghosts of a version of you that “died” with them, and they now represent perhaps embarrassment about letting yourself get swept up into something painful.

When people talk about codependency in treatment, I often picture two individuals; If you stand too far away from each other, you can't see each other. But if you stand too close to each other, you can't really see each other either! This is why in dating, once the infatuation stage ends, and you take a little step back to see the person more clearly, you see things that have been there all along- things you may or may not like.

It also sounds like your popularity among your acquaintances is somewhere to practice small, slow gestures of vulnerability. Sorry to say, but as adults, it becomes less about who is your best friend, and more about who you feel safe with, who you trust will be there, and who you imagine you can make room for as well. Slow down, and if you feel yourself wanting to spill your guts, do a check in about what else going in your life at the moment, and what you're expecting from this interaction. Is it realistic and is it fair?

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