Why is it so Hard for Us to Receive Compliments?

We can all picture the scene – someone pays us a compliment, and for some set of reasons, our immediate instinct is to disagree, minimize, or deflect the compliment with one of our own. While we can often ruminate on and believe any criticism about ourselves, whether explicitly stated or imagined, we have a much harder time accepting or tolerating receiving a compliment. While it may feel like a sign of modesty, there are a host of reasons it might be hard for us to accept compliments comfortably.

Common Responses to Compliments

We’re all guilty of disagreeing with compliments at times. Someone tells you that you look great, and you tell them “Ugh, no way, I feel so ugly today.” Maybe that is genuinely how you feel, maybe you want to demonstrate your own modesty by rejecting the praise, but either way, you have disagreed with someone’s compliment, which can create awkwardness since you’ve now inadvertently stuck them in the role of having to argue for you to accept their praise.

Another common response is to minimize a compliment. Someone tells you you’ve done a great job on a work presentation, and you tell them, “Thanks, I’m glad it was alright,” minimizing the degree of praise from “great” to just “alright”, even though you spent hours of preparation to make the presentation appear effortless. While in this case, you’ve technically accepted the compliment, you rejected the actual sentiment behind the person’s compliment.

At other times, still, we may deflect the compliment back to the person giving it to us. I’m so funny? No, you’re the funny one. This is the response that we may feel is most generous, and again, could be wholly sincere on our end, but still shifts the focus away from the compliment and overemphasizes our own modesty in the moment.

Why is it so hard?

There are nearly always rational reasons for our responses to things, even if they don’t feel like they always make sense in the moment. Our difficulty in accepting compliments is no different, and may often be grounded in our desire for safety and protectiveness, indirect as that may feel.

Self-esteem

A common factor in rejecting compliments is low self-esteem, and a fragile sense of self. If we believe that we are not actually deserving of good things, of praise, of being held highly in others’ esteem, the compliment not only does not feel accurate, it can create anxiety for us. Rather than feeling lifted by the praise, we become worried that we’ve tricked someone into thinking these things about us, and feel anxious about what they will think once they discover the “truth” that we are not deserving of the compliment they’ve paid us. Maybe they’ll be angry or disappointed, so it feels safer to preempt those possible outcomes by downplaying, or outright disagreeing, with the compliment.

Societal conditioning

Many of us are taught that humility and modesty are virtues, and the idea of letting your accomplishments speak for themselves is viewed as a more principled and desirable way to be. While these can certainly be positive traits, they may at times morph into an inability to acknowledge our strengths and accomplishments. Perhaps we fear that accepting a compliment will make us appear arrogant or conceited, and we’ll actually be negatively judged for having accepted what was freely offered. Even if we want to acknowledge the compliment, some of us may be uncomfortable with the perceived attention that a compliment brings. Being singled out, even for something positive, can feel vulnerable; perhaps we’re worried about being judged more harshly once we’ve accepted praise, and prefer to feel more hidden as a means of feeling safer.

Past experiences

Our past experiences may play a role here, as well. If we have received insincere compliments, or indeed felt more harshly judged upon agreeing to a compliment, it makes sense that we would develop a general skepticism about praise in general. We might assume that the compliment isn’t genuine, or even that there is an ulterior motive in it. This can make us hesitant to accept even well-intentioned compliments.

Overcoming this discomfort takes conscious effort, and may be multi-faceted depending on where the difficulties lie. Learning to accept compliments can be a critical step not just in fostering healthier, happier relationships, but also in easing our own anxieties and stabilizing our sense of self. While easier said than done, the next time someone offers you a compliment, try recognizing the anxiety it provokes for a moment, taking a deep breath, and simply replying “thank you”.