Empathy in Your Relationship

Empathy, Empathy, Empathy. It’s a word as a therapist I hear all the time in my professional world. Such an important part of the profession and something so many of us feel is lacking in our personal lives. It’s why the therapeutic relationship can be so healing and reparative for many, offering that empathic understanding and feeling of being truly understood by another person. Something many feel has been missing in their lives. As adults, the place where we are most likely to sorely feel a lack of empathy is in our intimate relationships. How many of you have talked to your friends about how you don’t feel like your partner really understands your point of view, leading to feelings of loneliness or disconnection in the relationship?

This can show up in infinite different relationship scenarios. Have you ever called your partner about a workplace challenge and instead of offering the soothing and empathetic words that you crave such as ‘it sounds like you’re feeling really devalued’ they immediately move to trying to solve your problem or get angry on your behalf? Or when you’re feeling upset or depressed, they focus on their own needs or how your mood affects them. This lack of attunement between couples can be most damaging in the bedroom. Sexuality in long term relationships requires attunement to your partner’s needs and feelings in a way that can be challenging for many couples, especially when overlaid with all of life’s other stresses and challenges.

In the psychotherapy world, one of the greatest proponents of empathy was Carl Rogers. He believed empathy, (alongside unconditional positive regard and congruence), to be the therapeutic conditions required to help people reach their true potential. He said about empathy, “When empathy is extended, it satisfies our needs and wish for intimacy, it rescues us from our feelings of aloneness.”
Many couples who are struggling in their relationship are suffering from emotional disconnect; those feelings of aloneness that Rogers talked about. Much of couples therapy will focus on those moments of rupture when partners emotionally miss each other, focusing on how to become more empathically attuned to your partner at those times. But we don’t have to wait for arguments to work to tune into our partner. We can try and think about it more frequently in our day-to-day life, even in moments of peace and calm. All of us want to feel understood, and increasing those moments will increase intimacy. Ask yourself what can I do, in this moment, to connect with my partner? What are they feeling? If you do this, you might find your level of intimacy start to deepen.

At West Therapy we offer support with couples at all stages of their relationships, and if you are craving more intimacy and connection with your partner, a therapist can help promote those conversations. If you think you might benefit from this support book a consultation here.