Managing Relationships with Those with Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be a confusing diagnosis and one that is often misunderstood. Though we may have come to hear the term “borderline” more frequently in daily language to describe people who seem to have extreme reactions to things, it can still be hard to recognize the symptoms of BPD, especially in those we are close with, whose symptoms we may have been managing without wanting to or realizing we have been for awhile. People with BPD tend to have volatile relationships, where seemingly minor interactions set off outbursts or reactions that can feel irrational or extreme to the person on the receiving end. BPD also often presents alongside other conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or substance use disorders, further adding to the difficulty in understanding what someone may be presenting with or experiencing.
Your Experience with a Loved One with BPD
While it can be important to remember that those living with BPD are themselves experiencing a tremendous amount of pain–their destructive or seemingly erratic behavior is a reflection of the inner turmoil they are experiencing–maintaining a relationship with a loved one with BPD comes with its own pain, as well.
Everyone’s experience varies, but some common experiences you may experience when in a relationship with someone with BPD are:
Having to be cautious about how you approach them: Since people with BPD often experience extreme emotional reactions, it can feel like small things can unpredictably set off someone with BPD. You might realize you are walking on eggshells for fear of triggering that emotional response, and learn to hide what you’re thinking or feeling in an effort to maintain peace.
Being praised and devalued frequently: Those with BPD often have a hard time living with the reality that people, including themselves, can contain parts that are both “good” and “bad”. As a result, they may only be able to experience you as either all good–a perfect friend, or partner, or family member, or all bad–a selfish, uncaring person.
Feeling stuck or manipulated during interactions with them: The emotional extremes that people with BPD experience may mean that they will behave in accordance with how they feel, and that can include volatile, sometimes even scary or dangerous, behavior. To try and maintain a sense of safety, those in relationship with someone with BPD may find themselves feeling stuck, fearing what will happen if they leave or cut off contact.
What Can You Do
There is not necessarily a handbook for what will work with everyone with BPD, but given the emotional volatility and fears of abandonment, or rejection those with BPD often encounter, these are some recommendations for what can help:
Validate their feelings: While it can be tempting to want to talk someone out of how they’re feeling, particularly if it does not seem to reflect reality to you, it can be effective to validate the feelings and thoughts of someone with BPD. They are already experiencing intense emotions, and may feel alone in these moments, so, while difficult, it can prove helpful to express sympathy for them about how they’re feeling, rather than to try and explain why their feelings seem extreme.
Maintain calmness: When people with BPD are experiencing intense emotions, especially anger, directed at you, it’s natural to tend to defensiveness or anger in response. However, in these moments, it’s important to remember that the anger they are experiencing then, even if intense, is only one element of what they’re feeling. Remaining calm in the face of this, may help them move to other elements of their emotions, rather than exacerbating the anger.
Set boundaries: Setting boundaries with someone with BPD can be difficult and daunting at first. However, the slow, calm introduction of boundaries–i.e. When you will and will not be available for communication, what type of behavior you will or will not accept–presented without anger or accusation can benefit both you, as well as them, over time.
Recommend therapy: This can apply to both the person with BPD, as well as for yourself. Therapy for someone with BPD can be difficult, but there is evidence of symptom improvement over time, particularly with certain modalities like Dialectical Behavior Therapy. At the same time, it can be stressful and difficult to manage a relationship with a loved one with BPD, and it’s important to also provide yourself the opportunity to reflect and process the relationship.
