Attachment Styles and Relationships

We’ve been hearing the term “attachment styles” more frequently, and we have come to understand that they can impact the “big stuff” in relationships, as well as the everyday moments–like feeling anxious if your partner doesn’t text back right away, or feeling like your partner doesn’t understand how you desire intimacy. These struggles might be attributable in part to your attachment style, a concept that was developed by psychologist, John Bowlby, that explores how early relationships with our caregivers share how we seek connection with others in adulthood.

Bowlby described three main attachment styles:

·  Anxious: Those with anxious attachment often crave reassurance, or worry excessively about being abandoned. In a relationship, they may be more likely to take on a “pursuer” role in conflicts.

·  Avoidant: People with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence, and might struggle with intimacy. In a relationship, they may be more likely to take on a “withdrawer” role in conflicts.

·  Secure: People with secure attachment experience comfort with both intimacy and independence. The goal is that they are more able to trust their partner and communicate openly.

Of course, no one term fully encompasses someone in every scenario, but understanding your attachment styles can help you gain awareness and foster a deeper connection with your partner. Couples therapy can help partners both move toward a more secure attachment, by:

·  Identifying Stuck Patterns: Therapy can help you identify how your attachment style shows up in your interactions. Do you constantly seek reassurance from your partner (anxious), or shut down conversations to avoid intimacy (avoidant)? Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards healthier communication.

·  Building Empathy: Couples therapy can help each partner better understand what the other partner is experiencing, and why they exhibit certain behavior. Better understanding each other can help to build empathy and create opportunities for more emotional connection.

·  Navigating Conflict Resolution: Attachment styles can often lead to unhealthy conflict patterns. Therapy can equip couples with tools to navigate disagreements more productively, focusing on problem-solving and emotional understanding.

Couples therapy that incorporates an understanding of attachment styles can help you build stronger, more resilient connections, and equip you with the tools to navigate these aspects of a relationship more effectively. Book a free consultation for couples therapy here.