Money and Relationships
Money might sound like the least romantic thing to talk about, especially in the early stages of a relationship. But its dynamic likely showed up in our very first date with someone or even before. If you are swiping through an online dating site, beyond those dreamy eyes or warm smile, the second thing you might notice is their profession and make a (possibly subconscious) judgement of their socioeconomic status. And, when discussing that first date with a friend after, you might share who offered to, and who picked up the check.
A lot of individuals show up to therapy telling us that they have chosen unsuitable partners in the past. The way we choose a partner is a deep-rooted psychologic event involving many parts of our history, attachment style and current circumstances. But something we can control and think about is ‘what kind of lifestyle do I want for myself and how important is that to me?’. If you know deep down that you expect certain material things from life, you may come to resent a partner down the line who doesn’t share those same priorities.
The need to feel safe and secure is crucial to us as humans. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, security comes before love and intimacy. In a historical context it is only in the last couple of centuries that love has become the driving force in marriages. Safety and security mean different things to different people, but if one or both members of a couple don’t feel safe and secure, love and intimacy may be very difficult to sustain in the long-term.
While money might not be the most important thing at the start of a relationship, there is a good chance it will be at the end, or if you’re in a relationship that is struggling. Estimates show that up to 40% of divorces cite financial issues as the main reason. If you have ever been in a relationship with someone who has a very different attitude toward money than you, you might recognize how this can show up in numerous little ways that put tears in your bond. You might be angry at your partner when they come back from the store with an expensive new item, to be paid for by a carried credit card balance. Or you might resent your partner’s stinginess in moments where you think you can afford that meal out or a generous gift.
How could he be so irresponsible?
Why can’t they just relax?
She just doesn’t seem to care about our future!
Our relationship with money of course depends on much more than our current financial situation. Many of us will recognize a partner, friend or family member who despite being objectively financially comfortable, struggles to let go and often can get hung up on small expenses. Underlying this may be deep seated feelings of either a need for control, or adaptive fear of loss of security from a difficult childhood. As a couple, this dissonance in attitudes may be confusing and disorientating. You may crave some support or mediation as these issues arise between you.
At West Therapy we are here to support couples at whatever stage of your relationship, but we encourage you to think of couples therapy not just as a last resort. If you can see issues arising in your relationship about finances or anything else that you feel you need some help to talk to your partner about, we are here to support you. If finances are an issue for you, we have some sliding scale times available, you can book a free consultation here.
