A Day in the Life of a People Pleaser
You wake up at 4:30am so that you can get to the office early. Your boss added another task to your already huge workload and you just can’t say “no”. You remember on your way there to pick up some of those cookies that your coworker likes because you think she’s mad at you because she didn’t include any exclamation points or emojis in her text yesterday. Later in the day, someone who isn’t paying attention and bumps into you, knocking your lunch out of your hands. You apologize profusely because you’re “so clumsy.” When you get home later that evening, your partner asks what’s for dinner. At first you feel enraged and criticized, but quickly shake that off and ask them what they want. They ask for chicken parmesan and even though it’s more labor-intensive that you have the energy for, you agree to make it.
What is people pleasing and where does it come from?
People pleasing sounds like a good thing. Afterall, being kind to others is a part of living with self-awareness and conscientiousness. But when we lose ourselves in an effort to not create conflict, or imagine we are unable to voice our true feelings about something without punishment or loss, that can be problematic to our well-being.
Signs you may be a people pleaser
You have low self-esteem
You need other people to like you
It’s hard to say “no”
You apologize even when you know it’s not your fault
You’re overly agreeable, even when you don’t agree
You struggle with identifying how you really feel about something
You're sensitive to criticism
Why do I do this?!
People pleasing is complex, and the reasons for why you do this are unique to your upbringing and life circumstances. For some, early relationship trauma may have taught you that your needs are not as important as, say, a caretaker’s needs, and that keeping that person happy was a way you ensured your own safety. Perhaps your people pleasing tendencies stem from self-esteem issues from who you learned you needed to be in order to deserve love (think the parentified child, or being called the “peacekeeper in the family”). Being overly criticized at an early age can make us fear rejection or feel criticized even when we have done nothing wrong.
How do I stop people pleasing?
We hear so much about setting boundaries, but it bears repeating that boundaries don’t just keep others’ unwanted actions out, it keeps you in. You may have to start small and practice on lower-stakes items that don’t feel as scary to you. This could be putting your phone on do not disturb when you are having dinner, so that you’re not tempted to respond to someone’s overly urgent email about something that can wait until tomorrow.
Ask yourself what future you will wish you had done in this moment. If future you will be resentful or regret saying yes to your in-laws inviting themselves to stay with you for 2 weeks, then take a beat and ask yourself what would be best for everyone, not just them.
The topic of people pleasing comes up in therapy all the time. And one reason is because it can be scary to challenge the stories we tell ourselves about being “selfish” alone. People pleasing can be a way of controlling others’ view of us, and that can bring up shame and guilt that may feel safe to discuss with someone tasked to help you identify what you feel and who you are.
