What Does Self-Love Look Like?
While it may be all too easy to identify the things that we don’t like about ourselves, it might seem just as challenging to appreciate the qualities about ourselves that we love, admire, or respect. It appears that a large part of societal conditioning teaches us to be hyper-aware of our “flaws”, whether that be physical or otherwise… as evidenced by constant barrage of product advertisements, self-improvement rhetoric, social media highlight reels, evaluations at our school or workplace, or the expectations that our own family and friends can impose onto us-- It can feel as if we’re never quite good enough and that our worth depends on how others see and validate us.
So, what does it actually look like to love ourselves? The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation defines “self-love” as “having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness”. But even with definitions, it can be difficult to conceptualize self-love, for the topic seemingly pales in comparison to the amount that society talks about how to fix our shortcomings or how to obtain love from others besides ourselves. And of course, self-love looks different to everybody, which is reflective of everyone’s entirely unique self.
Here are three questions you might ask yourself or explore in therapy to find what self- love looks like and means to you:
- What does my internal dialogue sound like? Is it the same way I want to be spoken to by a loved one or how I’d ideally speak to others? If your answer to the second question is no, you might unpack the origins of your inner voice, as it can be indicative of how you’ve been spoken to or treated, the messaging you’ve received, or how you learned to cope, control, or discipline yourself. By fostering a curiosity for yourself, you can start evaluating if you’d like to treat yourself differently or continue with the status quo.
- What are the parts of myself I want to improve upon and why? In exploring this question, you can reflect upon who or what is influencing you and your intentions behind such efforts. In doing so, you might gauge the extent that outside programming and pressures infiltrate your motivations. And although holding ourselves accountable and seeking growth is important, you can also gauge whether holding yourself in high regard is possible throughout the process.
- What are the qualities I like about myself? Whether you love or hate yourself, or somewhere in between, both ends of the spectrum can have their own equally convincing arguments. So, if both positions can make their own case, the next question might be to ask which perspective is more conducive for your daily functioning and growth. Furthermore, it can be helpful to develop a holistic and integrated self-concept that accounts for more than one view so that when we engage in self-reflection, we can maintain a more balanced sense of ourselves.