Intentions > Goals
As we begin another new year, we become very contemplative. Making a bold resolution is a flashy concept, but how often do those sweeping declarations actually stick? Setting intentions is a gentler way to approach this, and can actually begin anytime since it's something you intend to do more or less of without necessarily a pass/fail component. I think of psychodynamic psychotherapy in this way. We show up intentionally, not necessarily with hard goals. If you're still thinking about starting therapy, or wanting to shake up your current treatment, I invite you to think about some of the most common reasons people find themselves in my office, and how to be more intentional about that reason.
1. “I don't know who I am.”
When someone says that they don't know who they are, there is some digging that needs to be done. Have you ever felt like you knew who you were? When was that? And if you “knew who you were” how would that change your life?
Intention:
What if we thought of this in a long game kind of way? Who do you want to be? The decisions you make all day can take you closer or further from the person you want to be. So after a while of just noticing the things you do and how well they align with the person you want to be, you will actually be getting closer to that. The cool part? This process is so subtle that if you're not sure, you can always tweak and begin again.
2. “I'm angry/sad/unfulfilled and I don't know why.”
When people have a feeling that they just can’t shake, they often want help from a therapist to figure it out or even to tell them what’s going on with them. We can certainly give our opinion as to why someone might be feeling this way, but it will take time to find out why. And even once we determine why, it doesn’t mean it will go away. Just because you found the source of the leak in your roof doesn’t mean you won’t still have wet floors.
Intention:
To be intentional with these presenting problems might look like the patient and therapist being curious about what other situations in their life have resulted in this symptom. If you could zoom out and see how you’re feeling from the outside, what would you assume this person is going through? This may help us be more intentional in symptom relief than just thinking our way out of big feelings.
3. “I don’t feel good enough.”
Not feeling like we're enough from time to time is normal. We can't be everything for everyone. But sometimes it’s hard to reckon with not making everyone in your life happy, for example. When you're not feeling like enough, my question to you would be enough what? Not enough for who?
Intention:
The deeper exploration into how we feel about ourselves can take time, as our self worth is often deeply tied to our output. Things like what we offer others, our level of productivity, and our appearance are some of the only ways we believe we add value to our relationships. This is one of the few places where I like to workshop with a patient some concrete examples. Like if you can’t be 100% at your job, what would feel good enough for you? 87%? 91%? It’s an exercise in moving away from absolute/black and white thinking, which can have a pass/fail feel to it.
Whatever your goals or intentions in the new year, please keep in mind that whoever came up with “New year, new me!” wasn’t thinking big picture, nor were they able to appreciate small, realistic tweaks that over time create change.
