Not Every A**hole is a Narcissist
While on one hand I can appreciate that social media has exposed us to more and more therapy language, problematic behaviors, and self-sabotaging patterns we find ourselves in, on the other, I worry that overusing this language will dilute it and make it irrelevant. Similar to how we say “awesome” about most things that are just “fine” and not, in fact, something that fills our hearts and minds with awe.
So, what are the things, as a therapist that I hear in the office as well as colloquially that have seemingly begun to lose meaning? As a disclaimer, it is not my intention to call anyone out for using the wrong word to describe someone's behavior (“technically, that's not gaslighting, that's just straight up lying”) or using the wrong diagnosis for someone (“actually, anorexia is a life-threatening disorder, and being thin is just that.”) I probably wouldn't correct someone in a public way or even in the privacy of my therapy office, because that's not what this is about. My concern is for a not so distant future where those who are gaslighting others or those with anorexia slide under the radar to those of us who have a hard time being mindful with our language.
What is a narcissist?
Not everyone you don't like or who disagrees with you is a narcissist, nor is it necessarily a bad thing. In fact, there is such a thing as a healthy amount of narcissism. Therapist Seerut K. Chawla speaks about this topic often, especially in terms of diluting therapeutic language, and our sometimes oversensitivity to others’ behavior. We often use the term more to describe someone’s behavior rather than make a generalized statement about them as a person. Think of the difference between calling someone “messy” versus “a mess.” One is about their behavior, one is much more personal.
Technically, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:
-Grandiose sense of self-importance
-Frequent fantasies about having or deserving success, power, intelligence, etc.
-Belief in superiority
-Need for admiration
-Entitlement
-Willingness to exploit others
-Lack of empathy
-Frequent envy
-Arrogance
Someone (maybe even everyone) may display some of these characteristics sometimes, and it’s important to see people in a nuanced way so as not to decide who they are all the time. But, nuance is hard! It requires us to not have a black and white view of people. (There’s a function to this, see below.) So what should you say when you feel like someone’s behavior is problematic, or they’ve offended you, or you just generally find them to be an a**hole?
What's the least soundbyte-y way to get my message across?
Think of it as a challenge to yourself. This is where this kind of thing perks my ears up as a therapist. It's not so much about the word(s) being accurate or not, but why the need to use a whole marching band to ask if someone has heard of a song you like rather than humming it for them? Do you imagine no one will hear you unless you're shocking them into listening? Do you imagine you'd be boring otherwise? You'd be surprised at who will listen when you use language not made to test their listening skills.
When we choose to see things in less black and white terms, that can be very destabilizing. Our brains try to make sense of something quickly to keep us safe, physically and emotionally. Being able to judge a situation quickly is a survival skill. So, maybe if you feel the word “narcissist” on the tip of your tongue, ask what about that person or that situation makes you feel unsafe, and why. Not asking these reflective questions, although not as fun, allows us to miss an opportunity to sit in our discomfort of not knowing. And, wouldn’t you rather get better at that than labeling someone because you don’t like them?
