Deciding If, and When to Have Kids.
The decision of whether to try and start a family is one of the most momentous and weighty things many of us contemplate in our early and middle adulthood. For some it has always been a sure thing either way, others are racked by ambivalence, and some avoid the question. Living in New York City can create added layers of stress to the decision: housing and space constraints, lack of strong support network, and the potentially enormous childcare costs. Some folks also think of external threats such as climate change as a big factor in their decisions.
These practical constraints can butt against some human urges to create community, connection and meaning. While there are many ways to do this, parenting is undoubtedly one of them. Some studies have shown that becoming a parent reduces happiness in the short term, but happiness can be a narrow gauge by which to measure life satisfaction. Martin Seligman, leader of the positive psychology movement, removed ‘happiness’ from the title of his theory and replaced it with ‘well-being’. The reason being that happiness is associated with being in a cheerful mood the moment that you are asked. Parents of young children may often be exhausted, or in a shitty mood, but that does not necessarily translate to regret at their decision. Parenting is a lifelong commitment, with different costs and rewards along the way. Seligman’s Theory of Well-Being contains 5 measurable elements:
Positive Emotion
Engagement
Meaning
Accomplishment
Positive Relationship
You can see when well-being is broadened to contain all these elements, how parenting can have a much bigger impact on well-being than a narrow measure of momentary happiness. I have heard parents of older children talking of the meaning they take from seeing their children go out into the world and build their own lives and have witnessed the level of engagement in parents as they teach their kids how to ride a bike or tie a shoelace.
Stories and conditioning are important to us. We were all born to someone, and some version of a family environment is how most of us were raised. We may feel parental expectations to replicate this, or more intrinsic sub conscious urges to gain approval or acceptance from our parents or peers by taking this life step. And certain parts of society still judge, particularly women, who don’t have children. Such as a VP candidate who thinks it’s ok to use the phrase ‘childless cat ladies’ in a pejorative manner. Stories about parenting are inherently positively biased, and few parents are likely to talk about regret of having children, although a recent study showed between 5-14% of parents do. It may be liberating for some to hear that a significant minority of folks regret parenting, especially when faced with Instagram bombing of airbrushed family lives.
The question of when is also important. Many of us are focused on building careers in their 30’s, a necessary precursor of the financial stability many desire before starting a family. And fertility advances have given those with access to it more choice and agency over the timing of their decision. But time constraints still exist. There may be worries, compromises, or uncertainties associated with the timing of a decision to start a family that could be productively explored with conversations with peers, family, or a therapist.
At West Therapy Group we see that couples therapy is becoming more of a ‘first resort’ than a ‘last resort’. Earlier in relationships couples can avoid conversations about their feelings around starting a family, or talk in vague terms to avoid scaring the other person away, or boxing themselves in. Talk therapy, either as a couple or individually can be an important outlet to address some of this avoidance, or dissonance within a couple. Often the conversations we shy away from are the most important ones to have.
